Anderson Times Ed. 8

Evil chimpanzees plotting to take over NASA

     It's a little known fact that chimpanzees are actually very into space travel. They adored Star Wars and all the other classics, but it's even less known that they are evil, and it's widely known how smart they really are. Those things may seem completely unrelated. You're probably thinking, "Yay, they like Star Wars; so do I. Great they're evil, and they're smart. So?" Prepare to have your mind blown.

     Their interest in space travel has been around since NASA came into existence. When in zoos, they read all they could from the shirts of those around them. They learned the languages of the natives, and listened in to conversations. They even watched Star Wars when people weren't looking.

     They're evil, too. Naturally, they've been plotting for the past couple decades. The  plans passed down from generation to generation, until now. Their plan is so evil and so intelligent, it just might work. Well, it would have, anyway.

     The chimps wanted to take over NASA and blow up Earth using exploding satellites and rockets. They would save one rocket, and move to Mars, taking any surviving humans captive, and placing them in zoos like ours today, until the end of time.

     No matter how smart the chimpanzees are, they had one fatal flaw that cost them the Earth: They discussed their plans in a human language one night, whilst a zookeeper was listening in on their conversation. Tonlear Yllatot, told the head of the Pennsylvania, New York Zoo, and the chimpanzees were grounded for life.

     Oh, and they were brainwashed too.

                                                             -Seeznapmihc Live

Jimmy Rollins apologizes to Cat for beating Phils so bad

     In public, Jimmy Rollins said he hadn't really thought about his old team as he played them, but Cat became distraught at this. How could he not be sorry? she thought. After the press conference, Rollins emailed Cat and apologized for beating the team so bad.

     He said he never wanted to hurt her feelings, but he just couldn't help it. Any player wants to win, and that's all he did. Cat accepted the apology, being the accepting and smart Phan she is.

     Being that Phan, Cat felt happy for Rollins, because he was actually winning, unlike her beloved Phillies. Jimmy Rollins, you have been forgiven.

Knits Seillihp

The Phillies are the only MLB team without thirty wins in 2015, at 29

     Remember 2008? When the Phillies terrorized the world with then stars Rollins and Chase Utley? Remember that World Series, the one the Phillies won. Remember 2009? When the Phillies tragically fell the Yankees in the World Series? Those were the good years.

     You could call these the bad years, but you would be flawed. One, it's worse than bad right now: The Phillies are the only team without at least thirty wins. Two, these aren't going to be years; they're going to be decades. Thank gosh for Maikel Franco and Cesar Hernandez, or we'd all be dead.

      Just remember, they will get better. They just have to; give it twenty years or so.

-Struh Ti

Anderson Times Ed. 7

Red, white and blue elephants want parade rights     

    You have probably seen elephants before. Most Elephants are gray and wrinkly, but human zoo keepers accidentally changed that. Pepeekooz Ekaf, a zookeeper at Missouri, Illinois Zoo, said, "We [The other zookeepers and I] were just spray  painting the fences, and then we went for a drink. We came back out five minutes later, they were red, white and blue." That only counts for half of the story.

     Obviously, nobody could interview the elephants, but there is a video tape. Basically, the keepers forgot their spray paint and the elephants took the spray paint into their cage. They sat down, and figured out how to activate the spray paint, actually, Stnahpele Eulb figured that one out all on her own, and the others followed suit. 

     The spray paint, however, was non-toxic, so the elephants weren't hurt. That's the bright side. The bad side is that it only took a minute to dry, and it was permanent; don't think they didn't try. Edud Repeekooz said, "We gave them [the elephants] about ten baths each, but it just wouldn't come off."

     The elephants do look quite pretty, and could have been a great tourist attraction. Except it wasn't. The spray paint, Lael Yllaer Ton, gave the elephants special powers. Above, it was said that they were not available for interview, but it wasn't because they couldn't talk; they can talk, as it turns out. It was more because they were so angry at the world that they might have eaten the reporters, and nobody needs that.

    The three of them want rights to have their own parade. The court consistently overrules them, saying that three is not enough for a parade, but the elephants are smarter than that. In court, they said, "It's the fourth of July for crying out loud, and it's supposed to celebrate independence. C'mon, man, you can't possibly forget that."

    A lot could go wrong, or a lot could go right. It just depends on how angry they are. We'll have to find out on that one.

-Sthgir Edarap  

Jimmy Rollins gives Cat right to seats at any Dodgers game this season

    This year, Jimmy Rollins and Cat have been developing a good friendship, and friends, it isn't over yet. Jimmy Rollins told Cat that she could go to any Dodgers game she wanted as long as it was at home and she emailed him a week in advance. Pretty sweet deal, right?

     Cat sure thought so. "It's just so great. I mean, Rollins is like, my life long hero, and now I get to see him, like all the time. I am a true Phillies Phan, but they really stink right now, and the Dodgers have guys like Joc Pederson; I am so excited."

     Cat also thought we should mention that Rollins should totally radio announce for the Phils once he retires. Just saying.

-Emag Sregdod

Cat to apply for Phillies, says they couldn't get any worse 

     If Cat were to play for the Phillies, could they possibly get any worse? The answer is no, of course not. You would have to work really, really hard to be worse than the Phillies. (Right now, they're the only team without at least 30 wins.)

     Cat says, "I just want a couple weeks or so of big league time; it'll look nice on my resume." And she's right, they just can't get worse, with or without her. Maybe, just maybe, the Phills will accept her application.

-Seillihp Dab