Anderson Times Ed. 8

Evil chimpanzees plotting to take over NASA

     It's a little known fact that chimpanzees are actually very into space travel. They adored Star Wars and all the other classics, but it's even less known that they are evil, and it's widely known how smart they really are. Those things may seem completely unrelated. You're probably thinking, "Yay, they like Star Wars; so do I. Great they're evil, and they're smart. So?" Prepare to have your mind blown.

     Their interest in space travel has been around since NASA came into existence. When in zoos, they read all they could from the shirts of those around them. They learned the languages of the natives, and listened in to conversations. They even watched Star Wars when people weren't looking.

     They're evil, too. Naturally, they've been plotting for the past couple decades. The  plans passed down from generation to generation, until now. Their plan is so evil and so intelligent, it just might work. Well, it would have, anyway.

     The chimps wanted to take over NASA and blow up Earth using exploding satellites and rockets. They would save one rocket, and move to Mars, taking any surviving humans captive, and placing them in zoos like ours today, until the end of time.

     No matter how smart the chimpanzees are, they had one fatal flaw that cost them the Earth: They discussed their plans in a human language one night, whilst a zookeeper was listening in on their conversation. Tonlear Yllatot, told the head of the Pennsylvania, New York Zoo, and the chimpanzees were grounded for life.

     Oh, and they were brainwashed too.

                                                             -Seeznapmihc Live

Jimmy Rollins apologizes to Cat for beating Phils so bad

     In public, Jimmy Rollins said he hadn't really thought about his old team as he played them, but Cat became distraught at this. How could he not be sorry? she thought. After the press conference, Rollins emailed Cat and apologized for beating the team so bad.

     He said he never wanted to hurt her feelings, but he just couldn't help it. Any player wants to win, and that's all he did. Cat accepted the apology, being the accepting and smart Phan she is.

     Being that Phan, Cat felt happy for Rollins, because he was actually winning, unlike her beloved Phillies. Jimmy Rollins, you have been forgiven.

Knits Seillihp

The Phillies are the only MLB team without thirty wins in 2015, at 29

     Remember 2008? When the Phillies terrorized the world with then stars Rollins and Chase Utley? Remember that World Series, the one the Phillies won. Remember 2009? When the Phillies tragically fell the Yankees in the World Series? Those were the good years.

     You could call these the bad years, but you would be flawed. One, it's worse than bad right now: The Phillies are the only team without at least thirty wins. Two, these aren't going to be years; they're going to be decades. Thank gosh for Maikel Franco and Cesar Hernandez, or we'd all be dead.

      Just remember, they will get better. They just have to; give it twenty years or so.

-Struh Ti