Anderson Family Times, Edition 4

Red Purple Monkeys Attack

     On Wednesday, June 10, Red Purple Monkeys attacked the United States. Red Purple Monkeys are an advanced species of monkeys; they are red purple and in between. They can sing, dance, and do almost anything the humans can do. Normally, they are sweet and cuddly, but not this time. It causes one to wonder what made them do it, and as a newspaper, it is our job to answer.

     We talked to the leader of the Red Purple Monkeys, Shmorelsburgen Rutabega, and asked him some questions. When asked why he attacked he said, "We want rights. I mean we are monkeys, but we are just as capable as humans. I mean, we're talking and singing and dancing, just like you, but we're kept in those mangy cages you call zoos. We want freedom, you know?" What kind of rights, though? He wasn't very specific, so we asked him more. "We want basic human rights. We want to be able to eat at your restaurants, use your money, drive cars, anything that you can do, we want to do as well."

     Attacking isn't always the answer; it should be a last result, and Commander Rutabega believes that that was his last resort. "Man, they wouldn't let us talk. They wouldn't let us express our feelings. We became shows, so we had to attack, there was no other choice." He wasn't the only one to believe this; Shmoorel Rutabeg was asked the same questions, and said, "Look, you don't understand. We might be monkeys, but we can do everything you can do, so why not let us. You know, I think makeup looks real nice on human women, and I would like to try it myself."

     Now, it's up to the government to decide. Should we give Red Purple Monkeys rights?

Lily Ambrosiniano

Jimmy Rollins Gives Cat Dodgers Clubhouse Tour

     Jimmy Rollins, shortstop for the Los Angeles Dodgers. He's the all-time Phillies hits leader, after 14+ years of playing everyday for them. Over the offseason, he was traded, and the hearts of the Phans were broken. None shattered more than that of Cat Anderson.

     After Rollins was traded, Cat spent weeks in absolute misery and grief. She was bitter and angry, and her life was crashing down all around her. Jimmy Rollins heard about this, and decided to give Cat a little surprise. 

     On June 9, 2015, Cat received a pair of plane tickets to Los Angeles. She and her dad flew out the next day, and Rollins was waiting for them. Cat, being the good fan she was, recognized him right away. As he walked to her, Cat almost fainted. "It felt like heaven," she said. He took her to Dodger Stadium and gave her a tour of the clubhouse.

     She received a smoothie, a bat, and Dodgers tickets for the next couple weeks. We are pleased to inform you that her heart is no longer shattered.

Chance Nottingham