Anderson Times, Ed. 9

Walruses actually more advanced than humans, Tsitneics Ekaf says

     For centuries, humans have assumed that they are more advanced than anybody in this universe, but they are sadly mistaken. Nobody has ever seen the wonders of the walrus population, except one Tsitneics Ekaf.
     "We just assume that we know everything, but we don't. You haven't even seen the likes of this population, I guarantee." Ekaf took pictures of the civilization, Walruca, which rivals ours.

     The advancement is simply outstanding. The walruses are much more mature as well. Over the months that he has studied them, Ekaf has noticed that they respect each other and their properties. "Honestly, we ought to be more like them," says Ekaf.

Jimmy Rollins's Career with the Phills

     Upon his return, the fans of Philadelphia gave Rollins an ovation so strong, that if you listened to or watched the game that night, you could have sworn you were right there. Rightly so.

     Imagine this: A little over 15 years ago, you watch the Phillies game, and they stink. Play after play they fail to make. One year later, 2000, you watch again, and you see a new face at shortstop, Jimmy Rollins. He makes play after play, routine and not so routine. By 2007, Rollins is the face of the newly rebuilt franchise, next to Carlos Ruiz, Ryan Howard, and Chase Utley. In 2008. Jimmy Rollins leads the Phillies to win their first World Series since 1980, and only their second overall.

     By 2012, the Phillies have lost their shine, but Rollins has not. Fast forward to 2014, when Jimmy Rollins is traded. After fourteen years, it's time to say goodbye. Zoom ahead to 2015. You're at the game, and Jimmy leads off. Within a second, you and the rest of the stadium are up on your feet, giving him a 42 second standing ovation. When you sit down, you just want to stand up again.

      Maybe you don't have to imagine the beginning of this decade. Recently, Maikel Franco made his debut with the Phillies, who plain old stink. The franchise is slowly rebuilding, with Franco as it's face. World Series, here we come.

Anderson Times Ed. 8

Evil chimpanzees plotting to take over NASA

     It's a little known fact that chimpanzees are actually very into space travel. They adored Star Wars and all the other classics, but it's even less known that they are evil, and it's widely known how smart they really are. Those things may seem completely unrelated. You're probably thinking, "Yay, they like Star Wars; so do I. Great they're evil, and they're smart. So?" Prepare to have your mind blown.

     Their interest in space travel has been around since NASA came into existence. When in zoos, they read all they could from the shirts of those around them. They learned the languages of the natives, and listened in to conversations. They even watched Star Wars when people weren't looking.

     They're evil, too. Naturally, they've been plotting for the past couple decades. The  plans passed down from generation to generation, until now. Their plan is so evil and so intelligent, it just might work. Well, it would have, anyway.

     The chimps wanted to take over NASA and blow up Earth using exploding satellites and rockets. They would save one rocket, and move to Mars, taking any surviving humans captive, and placing them in zoos like ours today, until the end of time.

     No matter how smart the chimpanzees are, they had one fatal flaw that cost them the Earth: They discussed their plans in a human language one night, whilst a zookeeper was listening in on their conversation. Tonlear Yllatot, told the head of the Pennsylvania, New York Zoo, and the chimpanzees were grounded for life.

     Oh, and they were brainwashed too.

                                                             -Seeznapmihc Live

Jimmy Rollins apologizes to Cat for beating Phils so bad

     In public, Jimmy Rollins said he hadn't really thought about his old team as he played them, but Cat became distraught at this. How could he not be sorry? she thought. After the press conference, Rollins emailed Cat and apologized for beating the team so bad.

     He said he never wanted to hurt her feelings, but he just couldn't help it. Any player wants to win, and that's all he did. Cat accepted the apology, being the accepting and smart Phan she is.

     Being that Phan, Cat felt happy for Rollins, because he was actually winning, unlike her beloved Phillies. Jimmy Rollins, you have been forgiven.

Knits Seillihp

The Phillies are the only MLB team without thirty wins in 2015, at 29

     Remember 2008? When the Phillies terrorized the world with then stars Rollins and Chase Utley? Remember that World Series, the one the Phillies won. Remember 2009? When the Phillies tragically fell the Yankees in the World Series? Those were the good years.

     You could call these the bad years, but you would be flawed. One, it's worse than bad right now: The Phillies are the only team without at least thirty wins. Two, these aren't going to be years; they're going to be decades. Thank gosh for Maikel Franco and Cesar Hernandez, or we'd all be dead.

      Just remember, they will get better. They just have to; give it twenty years or so.

-Struh Ti

Anderson Times Ed. 7

Red, white and blue elephants want parade rights     

    You have probably seen elephants before. Most Elephants are gray and wrinkly, but human zoo keepers accidentally changed that. Pepeekooz Ekaf, a zookeeper at Missouri, Illinois Zoo, said, "We [The other zookeepers and I] were just spray  painting the fences, and then we went for a drink. We came back out five minutes later, they were red, white and blue." That only counts for half of the story.

     Obviously, nobody could interview the elephants, but there is a video tape. Basically, the keepers forgot their spray paint and the elephants took the spray paint into their cage. They sat down, and figured out how to activate the spray paint, actually, Stnahpele Eulb figured that one out all on her own, and the others followed suit. 

     The spray paint, however, was non-toxic, so the elephants weren't hurt. That's the bright side. The bad side is that it only took a minute to dry, and it was permanent; don't think they didn't try. Edud Repeekooz said, "We gave them [the elephants] about ten baths each, but it just wouldn't come off."

     The elephants do look quite pretty, and could have been a great tourist attraction. Except it wasn't. The spray paint, Lael Yllaer Ton, gave the elephants special powers. Above, it was said that they were not available for interview, but it wasn't because they couldn't talk; they can talk, as it turns out. It was more because they were so angry at the world that they might have eaten the reporters, and nobody needs that.

    The three of them want rights to have their own parade. The court consistently overrules them, saying that three is not enough for a parade, but the elephants are smarter than that. In court, they said, "It's the fourth of July for crying out loud, and it's supposed to celebrate independence. C'mon, man, you can't possibly forget that."

    A lot could go wrong, or a lot could go right. It just depends on how angry they are. We'll have to find out on that one.

-Sthgir Edarap  

Jimmy Rollins gives Cat right to seats at any Dodgers game this season

    This year, Jimmy Rollins and Cat have been developing a good friendship, and friends, it isn't over yet. Jimmy Rollins told Cat that she could go to any Dodgers game she wanted as long as it was at home and she emailed him a week in advance. Pretty sweet deal, right?

     Cat sure thought so. "It's just so great. I mean, Rollins is like, my life long hero, and now I get to see him, like all the time. I am a true Phillies Phan, but they really stink right now, and the Dodgers have guys like Joc Pederson; I am so excited."

     Cat also thought we should mention that Rollins should totally radio announce for the Phils once he retires. Just saying.

-Emag Sregdod

Cat to apply for Phillies, says they couldn't get any worse 

     If Cat were to play for the Phillies, could they possibly get any worse? The answer is no, of course not. You would have to work really, really hard to be worse than the Phillies. (Right now, they're the only team without at least 30 wins.)

     Cat says, "I just want a couple weeks or so of big league time; it'll look nice on my resume." And she's right, they just can't get worse, with or without her. Maybe, just maybe, the Phills will accept her application.

-Seillihp Dab

Anderson Times ED. 6

Pizza Planet is for real

     Recently, Lear Rof discovered a new galaxy, and discovered Pizza Planet. That's right, our childhood dreams are real. Pizza Planet does not, however, resemble the restaurant in Toy Story.

     It is a sphere, topped with whatever you desire. Rof saw pepperoni, but when others looked, they saw what they wanted to see. "It was topped with melted cheese and pepperoni; it looked amazing," said Rof of the planet. A normal citizen, Nezitic Lamron, said, "It was topped with sausage and meatball, and the most heavenly melted cheese." Another normal citizen, Nezitic Rehtona, said, "It was mushroom pizza, just beyond amazing."

     Obviously, we must send visitors and drones. When asked about an expedition to Pizza Planet, Lear Rof said, "There were definitely inhabitants, so we need to be mindful of that. Then you have the obvious magic... is it safe, we need to know...before we send anybody out there. It's too risky at this point." Drones will be sent in two weeks' time, and visitors will be sent in about five years. As for now, Pizza Planet is to be isolated for a little  longer. 

-Tenalp Azzip

Donut Shops all around Earth being invaded by evil bananas

     When you go to your Dunkin Donuts, or VooDoo Donuts in Portland, Oregon, you look at all the choices and finally, you chose your favorite donuts. Then you leave, never even knowing what's happening. 

      Think  about the perfect banana, that one banana you must buy from the food store. Is it yellow? Does it curve in the most perfect crescent shape, like a moon? When you peel it, is it free of spots? If you're a normal, not depressed person, that's your perfect banana. Now, envision the single most awful banana you can possibly imagine. Is it brown and moldy? Is it crippled and wrinkly? Is the inside brown and spotted? If so, you're probably normal. Which one says "I'm evil," to you? Probably the moldy brown one, right? You, normal human being, are wrong.

     The evil bananas invading donut shops look absolutely perfect, so the donut makers just have to use them in their donuts. The evil bananas are silent, and they never move; in fact, they're dead, but that doesn't mean that they aren't evil. Their mission: Make things healthier. They get put into the donuts, hence, the donuts become healthy.

     These bananas are ruining junk food, and making humans healthy. If that's not evil, then what is?

-Sananab Live

Ancient Egyptian Pyramids not actually for religion, but intended for more malicious purposes*

      If you ever get the chance, you should definitely go and see the ancient Egyptian pyramids. In sixth-grade History, we all learned about them. They were intended to help the pharaohs get to the afterlife smoothly, and to keep everything they would ever need there. Haha, very funny. So funny, in fact, that I forgot to laugh.

     The pharaoh that started this tradition, Hoarahp Lear Yllatot, actually decreed to his servants, "Maketh them taller than anything this Earth hath ever seen. Tell your children 'It is so that the pharaoh goes to the afterlife,' but knoweth in your heart that this is not the reason. Knoweth that it is intended to crush the civilians walking by in future years. Bury each pharaoh in his own, that civilians may be crushed for thousands of years." Of course, thieves stole from them, and the tradition became lost.

     Even future pharaohs thought that they were intended for religion, but indeed, they were wrong.

  -Sdimaryp Naitpyge

*Please Note: This article was all in good fun and not intended to belittle or offend anybody. Hopefully you are aware of the stupidity and fakeness of the article; it is known that the pyramids were intended for religion, and of this the author is fully aware.

Anderson Times Ed. 5

Do These Things Bother You?

     There are things that should bother everybody. There isn't a particular reason; they should just flat out bother you. First, have you ever pondered how a mermaid breathes? Since a mermaid can breathe in and out of water, it has to have lungs and gills. That means that it has to have a way to will one shut and the other closed, or it would be half-suffocating all the time.

     Next, the going away party. It literally sends the message "Hey, you're going away, so we're going to have this big party to celebrate." Is that not messed up?

     Those things should legitimately bother every person.

-Shmabab Kellkon

 Jimmy Rollins invites Cat to a Dodgers game; gives her seats in the dugout

     Jimmy Rollins, arguably the best shortstop in Phillies history. Cat Anderson, pretty much average twelve year old girl. A week ago, Rollins gave Cat a tour of the Dodgers clubhouse, and he took a liking to her. And what do millionaires do to those they like? They give them dugout tickets to a Dodgers game. And that's what Jimmy Rollins did for Cat.

     A week after their visit with each other, Rollins sent Cat tickets to a Dodgers game, and with the tickets was a letter for Cat. "Cat, I would like you to have dugout seats. Bring this note to the front door, and you're cleared," said the note.

     Could anyone decline such an offer? Probably not, and Cat is most likely a human, so she could not decline such a wonderful offer. No way Hosea. 

-Sreg Dod

Mutant potato chips planning to overthrow human race

     When you throw away the remains of that bag of Lay's potato chips, those crumbs mean nothing to you. Why would they, anyway? They're just a bunch of crumbs. Life would be so much better if that were true.

     When that bag of potato chips goes into the trash, the little crumbs join together and form violent, mutant potato chips. Then, after you go to bed or leave the house, they climb out of that innocent yellow bag and leave your house. They climb into the gutters and meet. They meet, and plot.

     This has been going on for ten years, and now, you're going to start to notice it.

     Tens of thousands have gathered over these ten years, and now they want to overthrow the human race. We dared to interview their ringleader Pihc Otatop, and several of us died, but I prevailed. "We want to overthrow you guys, cause honestly, you're doing it all wrong. It's our turn," he said. Mr. Otatop is very vicious, and to be feared by all.

     It is doubtful that humans will last this planned attack; our weapons are no match for their laser pretzel rods. None at all.

-Ecar Namuh

Band of baby elephants steal peanut butter from Giant

     Baby elephants. Those cute little things we love to stare at in the zoos are not so cute after all. On Thursday, a small band of baby elephants broke into Giant and stole thousands of dollars worth of Jiffy, Skippy, and any other brand you can think of. They took crunchy and smooth, organic and non-organic. 

     It happened around midnight, and we asked some people what they saw. Jillian Marco Polo said, "They were just there, stomping through Giant, taking that butter with their trunks."

Why would they do this? It's a well none fact that elephants are nuts about peanuts, so maybe they wanted to try the latest variation. 

     At noon the next day, the baby elephants, Stnah, Pele, and Ybab, were seen munching on their new snacks.

-Rettub Tuneap

Hair is really evil spirits hanging off your body

     You spend hours brushing it and grooming it, and you didn't even know the truth. Hair is actually a bunch of evil spirits hanging off your body. The prettier and silkier, the more evil.

     When somebody dies, the doctor diagnoses them with a bunch of random wish wash, when really, it's usually the hair that kills them. Your eyebrows are evil, and so are your leg-hairs. 

     If you ever wonder why women shave their legs, it's actually because they know that it's so evil. The less hair on your body, the longer you will probably live. If your have no hair on your body, you will live longer than your teenage daughter. 

-Stirips Live

Anderson Family Times, Edition 4

Red Purple Monkeys Attack

     On Wednesday, June 10, Red Purple Monkeys attacked the United States. Red Purple Monkeys are an advanced species of monkeys; they are red purple and in between. They can sing, dance, and do almost anything the humans can do. Normally, they are sweet and cuddly, but not this time. It causes one to wonder what made them do it, and as a newspaper, it is our job to answer.

     We talked to the leader of the Red Purple Monkeys, Shmorelsburgen Rutabega, and asked him some questions. When asked why he attacked he said, "We want rights. I mean we are monkeys, but we are just as capable as humans. I mean, we're talking and singing and dancing, just like you, but we're kept in those mangy cages you call zoos. We want freedom, you know?" What kind of rights, though? He wasn't very specific, so we asked him more. "We want basic human rights. We want to be able to eat at your restaurants, use your money, drive cars, anything that you can do, we want to do as well."

     Attacking isn't always the answer; it should be a last result, and Commander Rutabega believes that that was his last resort. "Man, they wouldn't let us talk. They wouldn't let us express our feelings. We became shows, so we had to attack, there was no other choice." He wasn't the only one to believe this; Shmoorel Rutabeg was asked the same questions, and said, "Look, you don't understand. We might be monkeys, but we can do everything you can do, so why not let us. You know, I think makeup looks real nice on human women, and I would like to try it myself."

     Now, it's up to the government to decide. Should we give Red Purple Monkeys rights?

Lily Ambrosiniano

Jimmy Rollins Gives Cat Dodgers Clubhouse Tour

     Jimmy Rollins, shortstop for the Los Angeles Dodgers. He's the all-time Phillies hits leader, after 14+ years of playing everyday for them. Over the offseason, he was traded, and the hearts of the Phans were broken. None shattered more than that of Cat Anderson.

     After Rollins was traded, Cat spent weeks in absolute misery and grief. She was bitter and angry, and her life was crashing down all around her. Jimmy Rollins heard about this, and decided to give Cat a little surprise. 

     On June 9, 2015, Cat received a pair of plane tickets to Los Angeles. She and her dad flew out the next day, and Rollins was waiting for them. Cat, being the good fan she was, recognized him right away. As he walked to her, Cat almost fainted. "It felt like heaven," she said. He took her to Dodger Stadium and gave her a tour of the clubhouse.

     She received a smoothie, a bat, and Dodgers tickets for the next couple weeks. We are pleased to inform you that her heart is no longer shattered.

Chance Nottingham